All Lies

Hi! I noticed there weren't any crits yet so I decided to give it a try.

Lies, all lies,
Everything in this world
Is a lie.

I didn't feel this was powerful enough to be the opening part.

You can paint it black,
And you can paint it white
You can paint it in,
Whatever colour you like.

I liked this. But unfortunately the length of the last line kind of breaks the nice flow of the verse.

And you/are lie-ing to me.

OK. What?? What's with the slash? And just to let you know, it's "lying".

Because I/ am not worthy
Of the truth/ am I?
Because I/cannot handle
The truth- right?

The slashes disturbed me so much I couldn't focus on the words. Again, the last line breaks the flow.

Because I/ am not worthy,
I can't handle/ the truth
Because I/ like being lied to...
Yeah Right!

This was pretty vague, but I still liked it.

But guess what? I
Don't wanna hear it,

The lining is not good. Move the "I" to the second line.

The fourth verse is funnily long compared to the other ones. And since the title is "All Lies", maybe the last verse could be more collecting?

Well, I hope I was of any help. Just keep up your work and good luck!

Demeter xx

Comments & reviews · 3

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How many vowels are there in 'review'?

This is a review

black star of darkness

Comment

black star of darkness commented · Wed Jun 04, 2008 8:45 pm

yeh the / is meant for a pause, you see on some lyrics when they are written down.

Demeter

Review

Demeter wrote a review · Mon Jun 02, 2008 10:13 am

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